Shared Custody
By far, the hardest part of my divorce was finding out that I’d get shared custody of our children. Everyone in my county gets shared custody. No exceptions.
I cried. I argued. I pleaded. My lawyer just stared at me stoically and told me I’d better get used to it. You see, all divorcing couples in my county get shared custody. No exceptions.
I stared into space in shock, tears welling up in my eyes.
Believe me, it wasn’t that I didn’t want my soon-to-be ex-husband to be a huge part of our children’s lives.
I had grown up on the other side of the country from my father, and I will never be able to forget how much it hurt to miss him that badly most of the year.
As an adult, I now fully understand all of the time that I lost with him over the years as I was growing up.
My sister and I only saw him on school vacations, and we would fly back and forth three times a year all alone, relying on airport staff to get us from one leg of our journey to the next safely.
I was certain that I didn’t want the same experience for our children. But to be frank, I was also terrified.
I was laid off from my teaching job while I was pregnant with our first child, and after months of trying to find a new job with no luck due to the recession, I decided to become a stay-at-home mom.
Then I had our second child a year later and it made more sense for me to continue staying home and avoid the high cost of daycare. The next thing I knew, I’d been raising and homeschooling our children for seven years. Even then, I only went back to work because we’d just separated.
When I say that I was a stay-at-home mom, that doesn’t accurately describe just how dedicated I had become to raising our two precious children. I literally did EVERYTHING for them. Day and night. Twenty-four hours a day. For seven years.
I never had a single vacation day. I never had a single sick day. And I didn’t sleep well the entire time.
So, as I sat there staring off into space with tears welling up in my eyes, I couldn’t help but think of the endless needs these two precious children had and realize that I had done everything for them up to this point. The gravity of it took my breath away.
I had given every single bath. I had prepared and served every single meal. I had clipped every single nail. I had driven them to every single doctor’s appointment. And I had given them every single cuddle when they were sick.
You never truly know what type of parent someone will turn out to be until they’re actually a parent. And sometimes, you find yourself in a situation where your partner chooses to let you do everything without feeling the need to help.
And then the court gives all divorcing couples in your county shared custody. No exceptions.
How to Cope With Shared Custody
Wondering how to cope with shared custody? To be honest, you just have to fake it until you make it.
The first days, weeks, and months were really hard on me. But my children didn’t deserve to have a mother who added even more stress to their little lives.
They didn’t deserve to hear negative words about their father, or about the attorney fees piling up, or about the endless paperwork and court appearances.
They were going through enough already, and it was my job to make them feel safe and secure. So that’s what I did.
I put a smile on my face, and I told them that I was so happy they got to spend an awesome few days with their dad. And then I cried and felt sorry for myself when they left.
I put a smile on my face, and I told them that I was so excited that their dad’s girlfriend was moving in with them. And then I cried and felt sorry for myself when they left.
I put a smile on my face, and I told them how thrilled I was that their dad bought them so many expensive gifts, while I was worried about our lack of grocery money. And then I cried and felt sorry for myself when they left.
I put a smile on my face every single day in front of them, and I gave them the absolute best care and the most love I could possibly give them.
And then one day, I just wasn’t sad anymore.
Fake it until you make it. It really does work with shared custody.
Living with Shared Custody
Fast forward five years, and I couldn’t be any happier with our shared custody arrangement. I still miss my kids with every fiber of my being when they’re gone.
Unfortunately, that part never goes away. But I’m really happy nonetheless.
So how did I go from sheer terror at the thought of shared custody to feeling satisfied with how things turned out?
I realized a few things along the way. And I’m happy to share the benefits of shared custody with you so that you can see the silver lining of shared custody too.
Benefits of Shared Custody
1. You Can Get a Break For Once
Sometimes people just get complacent and let others do everything for them because it’s easier. But when they need to step up, they will. Things may not always be done the way that you would do them. You may not always agree with decisions that are made or conversations that are had with your children. But as long as they come back to you healthy and happy, that’s the only thing that truly matters.
2. You Can Have a Social Life Again
You can hang out with your friends again. You can go to concerts, musicals, museums, and even bars again. Whatever you used to love doing before having kids, you can do those things again, because now you have some free time. I know you completely forgot what that meant once you had kids, but with shared custody, you get a part of your life back. It also makes your married friends stuck at home with kids super jealous of you.
3. You Can Date Again
Not only can you meet new and interesting people to have actual adult conversations with, but you can enjoy dinners, drinks, and entertainment out again. You can even go on weekends away again all thanks to having shared custody.
4. You Can Run Errands Kid-free Again
Without kids tagging along, errands are whining, fighting and begging-free.
5. You Can Clean Your House, and It Stays That Way
Cleaning gets done so much faster and easier without children at home, and your house can even stay clean for days until they come back. Furthermore, you can easily complete home renovation projects over a weekend while your children are away.
6. You Can Relax and Recharge
Having time to yourself makes you a better parent. You can get lost in a book, binge Netflix, or take an uninterrupted bubble bath. It doesn’t matter what you do. What matters is that you get to relax and recharge, and then you’ll be excited to see your kids again when they get home.
It took me a long time to realize that things were ultimately going to work out. I cried and longed for my children night after night, and I worried myself sick about them being taken care of properly. But each day got a little better than the last.
Being a parent is one of the greatest joys I have in my life, but these days I know that being a parent is not all that I am.
My kids get the best of both of their parents (and now step-parents). And they’re spoiled with love in both of their houses
Divorce sucks and shared custody can be hard. But we make it work and so can you.
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What has your custody experience been like? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Thank you so so much for this post!!
Our 50/50 starts in a week and a half and I’m petrified on the one hand but also kinda relieved to finally be a human being again, not only a home stay mum 24/7 for 7 years, just like you were.
Since we moved to my ex’s home country and due to the Hague convention he can make us all stay here, first thing I did was book a flight home for the second week I’ll be without them, so I won’t be lonely and can finally see family and friends again.
It will get better, I just need to work on the “Fake it till you make it!” cause my ex is rich and I am not and he is buying them sooo many new toys and clothes, has a way bigger flat and what not. I’m scared that my kids will prefer him over me in the end cause of this. How is your experience in this regard?
I am so glad that you found my article helpful. A 50/50 schedule can be very difficult at first so you will likely experience a variety of conflicting emotions, but I promise you that things will get better. I love that you are taking a trip back home to see friends and family. That will help your spirits immensely. As far as the dichotomy between your salaries goes, let the kids enjoy all the extras that are being showered on them now but understand that all kids really want and need from their parents is their time, attention, and love. If you give them that, you will build a strong bond with them that lasts a lifetime.
I personally am horrified with the move to shared 50/50 custody. Children need their mothers and we live in a broken society that cannot acknowledge or respect that. Never have children been bounced back and forth between mothers and fathers because of ignorance of courts and lawyers. Taking children away from their mothers for extended periods of time is a crime in and of itself.
I completely hear what you are saying. It is definitely hard for kids to go back and forth, especially at first, and it was so sad for me. But I knew I didn’t want that to rub off on my kids so I chose to stay positive about it (fake it ’till you make it) and tell my kids how cool it was that they had two houses, two sets of pets, two parents who love them dearly, etc. I would even send them over with little treats for them to share at their other house. Just simple actions like these can make all the difference for kids. And eventually, I wasn’t so sad anymore either. Wishing you all the best.
I’m not in this situation myself but I wanted to say thank you for sharing your experiences; it’s good to be aware of what divorced parents may be going through and to be considerate of these changes/challenges. My parents divorced when I was a young child and reading this has got me understanding the situation (and them at the the time) a bot better.
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad that you found it helpful.
Trying to apply these helpful tips to my situation where my kids are gone the entire summer… and they are too young to have phones. I’m struggling
That must be so tough. Hopefully you can set up a schedule where you talk to them at a certain day and time. Or, at least, get photos occasionally. I know some former partners aren’t as cooperative as we would like them to be though.
I needed to read this. I have 50% custody after doing everything with and for my children their whole life. I am happy when they’re here and terribly depressed when they’re gone.. but it’s new. This gives me hope it will get easier with time. Thank you.
I was right where you are. I promise you that it will get better with time and you will really enjoy the time you do have with your children. Use your time away from them to do all of the boring stuff like errands and cleaning so you can just have fun with them.
I love the honesty in this post, and how you found a silver lining! There is nothing wrong with having some freedom to pursue your dreams, or sit down and do nothing for a little while. I love that you are making joint custody work and staying happy at the same time. 🙂
Thank you so much. We are making it work.
Oh bless you, you have such a good heart ❤️. I can’t imagine how much you must have gone through but you pulled through so many odds. I applaud your tenacity. Thank you for your advice
You are so kind. Thank you so much.
I cant imagine how much of an adjustment that had to be, but I’m so glad your situation worked out. Really well written essay that digs deep into the emotional aspect of the circumstances.
So sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are definitely making the best of this situation!
Sounds like you are making the best of what could be a tricky situation! I applaud you. Thanks for all the advice!
So glad to hear your thoughts. Thank you for sharing.