Baby Mama Drama is Out, Co-Parents Are In

Co-Parenting Relationships

I get along better with my ex-husband now than I ever did when I was married to him. It’s true. We live a few miles apart from each other, we take turns shuttling the kids back and forth to school, sports, and dance classes, and we both provide a healthy, happy home for our two kids.

I never wanted to be a divorced mom. I swore I never would be. But life happens, and you have to learn to roll with it or you end up bitter, lonely, and sad. Neither one of us wanted that either.

We could have refused to turn the kids over to each other at the appointed time, but we didn’t.

We could have called each other horrible names, but we didn’t.

We could have screamed at each other in front of the kids at every drop-off, but we didn’t.

We could have threatened physical harm or actually hurt each other, but we didn’t.

We could have tried to poison the kids against each other, but we didn’t.

It sure wasn’t easy at first, but over the past few years, we learned how to make it work for us. How did we do it?

We made sure we were respectful to each other even when we really didn’t feel like it. And that has meant everything for the happiness and well-being of our children.

So what does co-parenting really mean?

It can look all kinds of ways. Maybe the better question is what do you want it to look like?

Do you want your kids to grow up feeling happy and secure? Or do you want them to grow up feeling depressed and insecure?

Do you want your kids to grow up feeling surrounded by love? Or do you want them to feel like no one even cares?

Do you want your kids to grow up feeling like they are part of a big, united family? Or do you want them to feel all alone in the world?

Do you want your kids to grow up expecting others to treat them with safety and respect? Or do you want them to think it’s okay to be verbally and physically abused?

The way you and your ex treat each other now is how your children will allow others to treat them in the future. Choose wisely.

Healthy Co-Parenting

The one and only step to having a healthy co-parenting relationship is to remember that it is not about you. The children are your priority.

Did your ex cheat on you and break your heart? It hurts like hell, but that has nothing to do with your kids or their relationship with their other parent.

Did your ex refuse to help you raise the kids and push all of the responsibility onto you? Again, not cool. But what matters is how they are caring for your children now.

Did your ex refuse to work or spend all of his or her money frivolously? That doesn’t make them any less of a parent.

Did your ex do anything else you can possibly imagine to make you angry, sad, or disappointed? I’m sorry, but it really doesn’t matter anymore.

Whatever caused you to break up in the first place is between you and your ex only. You have to let it go and move on so that your children can live peacefully.

Remember, your children see and hear everything. Even when you think they aren’t paying attention, they most definitely are.

You have to put all of your anger, grief, and hurt aside and make your children your priority.

Kids are naturally full of joy, excitement, energy, and curiosity. It is up to you to help them keep that perfect innocence for as long as possible. Don’t let the problems of the adult world seep into their hearts too early.

Co-Parenting Tips

1. Remember that your children are your priority. They deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life.
2. Always treat your ex with dignity and respect. Appreciate them for creating children with you.
3. Let go of any hurt caused by your breakup. Move on and choose happiness.
4. Encourage your children to have a healthy relationship with each parent.
5. Provide anything your children need regardless of who purchased the last item.
6. Allow your children to bring material items to both houses when necessary, especially if it is a comfort item.
7. Accept any new partner of your ex. Your children can only benefit from additional love and care in both homes.
8. Keep the lines of communication open with the other parent and step-parent if applicable.
9. Talk to your kids openly about their feelings and how best to meet their needs in both of their homes.
10. When disputes do arise, handle them maturely and teach your kids healthy conflict resolution strategies.

How to Make Co-Parenting Work

I’m not in any way saying these steps will be easy. They won’t be. At least not in the beginning.

Let’s face it, it’s really difficult to be around someone who makes you angry, sad, hurt, or a combination of all three. But when you remind yourself that the kids are watching and they deserve to feel safe and secure, it puts things into perspective and helps you control your emotions.

When my ex-husband moved on very quickly after our divorce and announced his girlfriend was moving in, I could have cried, screamed, or otherwise freaked out. But I would have hurt my children in the process. Instead, I put on a smile and bought a box of donuts for the kids to take home and share with them to celebrate their news.

Was I thrilled at first? Of course not. No one likes to feel like they are being replaced so quickly, and everyone gets worried when someone new starts spending time with their children.

But guess what? It wasn’t about me. My children were experiencing a huge change in their daily lives. It was far more important that I help them feel excited about it, instead of forcing even more stress on them.

When they got engaged shortly thereafter, I sent a congratulations card to them in the mail, and I thanked her for choosing to become a step-mom to my children and to love them as her own.

And several years later, when I got engaged, they went out of their way to congratulate us.

In fact, a few weeks ago the four of us met for coffee to discuss some kid-related topics, and we ended up spending almost two hours together. We shared discipline tips, we compared notes, and we told cute stories about our kids.

That is how co-parenting should be in every family. If both parents choose to put the kids’ needs first, you can build a healthy co-parenting relationship that grows stronger over time.

It won’t be easy. But it will definitely be worth it.

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What does your co-parenting relationship look like? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.