How to Rediscover Yourself After Losing Your Identity

Losing Your Identity

Have you ever felt like you’ve completely lost your identity? Like you have no idea what you want out of life? Like everything is falling apart and you have no idea who you even are anymore?

Something as simple as deciding what you want for dinner suddenly feels that a monumental decision to make, because you don’t even know what types of food you like in the first place.

Or when you’re asked who your favorite band is, or color, or dream car, and you sit there with a blank expression on your face. Because you literally have no idea what your favorite of anything is anymore.

The thing that once made you, you has seemingly gone missing.

To be perfectly honest, it happened to me.

I was only a shell of my former self for years. But eventually, I was able to rediscover myself and find my joy again, and you can too.

So how did it all happen to me in the first place?

Well, six years ago I was a stay-at-home mom of two young children.

My husband made plenty of money, and we both worked hard to save for our futures and pay off debt. We had two cars and an 1800 square foot, two-story house in a family-friendly neighborhood that had a community pool and a clubhouse.

My days consisted of homeschooling, taking leisurely walks with a double stroller, and dealing with endless diapers, sippy cups, and laundry.

I looked like I had it all, but one very important thing was missing: me.

Then all of a sudden, I was a newly divorced, single mom, unemployed, broke, and scared. I quickly took the first low-paying job I could snag, and I moved into my grandmother’s basement in a new city an hour away from my previous life.

I had to completely start all over again.

Alone.

And that’s when it hit me. I had no idea what to do with my life and no clue in what direction to go because I had no idea who I was anymore.

Sometimes when we want something so badly, we slowly give away little pieces of ourselves to get it.

It could be a job, a relationship, or becoming a parent that triggers a sense of identity loss.

But over time, you compromise so much of yourself that you don’t even know why you wanted something in the first place.

Here are some examples of losing your identity:

Losing Your Identity at Work

You finally get your dream job, and you are thrilled to work hard, find success, and make a difference. It’s everything you always dreamed of at first, and you are proud to be a part of the team.

But then they ask you to work more hours without extra pay. They expect you to get this project or that one done in an unreasonable amount of time. You give them your extra time.

Then, someone else quits and you inherit all of their workload without getting a raise because they tell you the company just can’t afford it. Besides, they really need your help. You take on the extra work.

Next, they pressure you to do something you know is not in the best interest of your client. But you do what you’re told to do anyway.

And then one day you’re sitting in a meeting that looks more like a high school pep rally. The bosses are celebrating a big win for the company, and you realize there will never be a big win for you here.

You have given up pieces of yourself so that they can reach their dreams. And you don’t even remember what your dreams are anymore.

Losing Your Identity In a Relationship

Or you fall head over heels in love with someone, and you realize that he or she is that one perfect person you’ve been waiting for.

You start spending all of your free time together, and you’re ecstatic to find out you have so much in common.

You love the same restaurants, the same movies, and the same hobbies. Everything seems perfect.

You make a commitment to each other and your lives become entwined.

But then this person starts making all of the decisions on what you do together and when you hang out. You let it happen because you’re just happy to see him or her, and it doesn’t matter what you’re doing as long as you’re together.

Then your partner makes little comments about how you dress, or how you act, or what you think about important topics. You make little changes to yourself because you want him or her to be happy and relationships take work, right?

Next, you have to cancel a night out with your friends because your significant other wants to do something else instead. You figure that you can always see your friends on a different night, so you cancel your plans and spend the night doing whatever he or she wants to do instead.

And then one day you’re sitting next to this person, and you realize that it’s been so long since you’ve seen your friends and family, that you can’t remember when it was or what you all did together.

Little by little, you’ve made yourself and your needs smaller so that this person has the perfect relationship to hold onto.

And you don’t even remember why you fell in love with this person in the first place.

Losing Your Identity After Kids

Or you become a parent and your entire life changed in the blink of an eye. You realize that this perfect baby loves you unconditionally, and he or she needs you in order to survive.

You are so happy in love and proud to be the mommy or daddy you’ve been waiting so long to become.

But then you never get enough sleep, and you slog through the days so exhausted you think that you may be hallucinating. And you continue to do it over and over again without accepting help because no one else will take care of this little one the way that you would.

Then your child gets sick, and you have to take days off of work to stay at home. You do it time and again because your significant other makes more money than you do or cannot take the time off.

Next, you stop going out on your own or having any time to yourself. Your child needs you and your significant other claims he or she just can’t handle it because it’s too much work.

And then one day your teenager screams at you that he or she hates you and that you ruin everything.

And you realize that you have loved this person so much, that you have taken care of him or her so well and for so long, that you stopped loving and taking care of yourself years ago.

It doesn’t matter how you let it happen. You just did. And it isn’t healthy to dwell on regret from the past.

Just recognize that you lost your identity somewhere along the way and then make a commitment to work on getting unstuck in your life and rediscovering who you truly are as a person.

How to Rediscover Yourself

These 10 steps will help you rediscover yourself and find your joy again:

1. Recognize That You Have Lost Both Your Identity and Your Purpose.

It’s important that you work on remembering who you truly are but also identifying what it is that drives you and gives your life meaning.

2. Take Pride in Those That You Help.

You have given so much of yourself to others, and you should acknowledge that and be proud of yourself. Serving others is never a mistake but you need to remember to also serve yourself moving forward.

3. Realize That Your Needs Matter.

Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. You need to feel safe, secure, and restored. And the better you care for yourself, the better you can care for others.

4. Give Yourself Time, Patience, and Understanding.

It may take a while to rediscover yourself and that’s okay. Be patient and understanding with yourself as you figure out what it is that you need out of life in order to be happy.

5. Sit in a Quiet and Peaceful Place

Sit in a quiet and peaceful place and picture your ideal life. What kind of person are you? What do you see yourself doing?

6. Be Open and Honest

It’s important to discuss your feelings of losing your identity openly and honestly with those closest to you. Listen carefully to the suggestions they provide. Oftentimes, others see clearly the things that we cannot see in ourselves.

7. Set Small, Attainable Goals

The best way to rediscover yourself and build the life you desire is to set small, attainable goals that can help you get there. What simple thing can you do today that will make a difference? This week? This month?

8. Eliminate Whatever is Holding You Back

You may be filled with doubts, fears, and concerns that are holding you back. It’s okay to experience these feelings temporarily, but then you need to make the decision to be courageous and move past them.

9. Walk Away From Toxic Energy

Now is time to walk away from the toxic energy of people who don’t support you. There are plenty of people who want you to live your best life and your focus should be on them alone.

10. Surround Yourself With Things That Inspire You

Read or listen to anything that inspires you to be your best self and to make your goals a priority. Enjoy the positive energy that fills you when you feel inspired and use it to create the life you want.

My hope is that you find these 10 steps to be a useful way to rediscover the person you were always meant to be.

Each of us deserves to live our best lives and have our needs met. Today is the perfect day to remember what drives you and makes you feel whole.

You can do this.

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