Suffering a Miscarriage
Life has a funny way of throwing things at us when we least expect them. Sometimes these events shape who we are for the rest of our lives, and we are never the same person again after they happen. The loss of my first child is one of those events in my life, and so many women and their partners at this very moment are suffering a miscarriage in silence. It is estimated that as many as half of all pregnancies may end in miscarriage.
That being said, t is time that we share our stories and help each other to not only survive after suffering a miscarriage but to thrive afterward. So today I share my story with you in the hopes that it helps you find peace.
Here’s the thing, I did everything right. I carefully prepared my body for months before trying to conceive. I gave up alcohol and caffeine, exercised regularly, took prenatal vitamins religiously, and drank filtered water all day long. I ate less meat, more vegetables, and would not touch any food that was processed in any way.
I read so many articles about healthy pregnancy, that I could have written a book on the subject without having to do any additional research for it.
I cannot accurately describe to you how exciting those first few weeks were. My mind started racing with all of the hopes and dreams parents have for their children. My baby was the size of a poppy seed, but I was imagining his or her first steps, first words, finger foods, sports games, prom, and graduation.
Every day that went by, I felt love growing inside of me that was different than any other love I had ever experienced. And when I started feeling nauseous every minute of every single day, I was even happier because I felt like I could actually feel my baby growing bigger and stronger as the days went by.
I was that mom too. The overachieving, very conscious of every little thing I put into my body, and very careful to avoid anything that might harm my teeny tiny baby in any way. I did everything right. And then I lost my baby anyways.
Tragedy happens. It just does. There is nothing we can do about it and there is no reasonable explanation for why it happens to us. The only thing we can do is to allow ourselves to grieve, practice self-care, and take whatever time we need to complete the healing process.
Going to the hospital while suffering a miscarriage was awful. I was having intense, whole-body pain, and I knew when I got there that they would confirm what I already knew but wanted so desperately to deny with every fiber of my being.
A really caring doctor came in after running some tests, and he held my hand while I cried. He told me about his wife’s experiences after suffering multiple miscarriages, and just as importantly, he let me talk.
I still can see his face in my mind, because he was a true caregiver and he actually understood what I needed at that time. For that hour, I had support.
After that, any sense of support ended abruptly and my miscarriage became something I dealt with entirely alone.
Healing After a Miscarriage
Here are 7 steps to help you with your emotional healing after a miscarriage:
1. Acknowledge That You Have Experienced a Tragic Loss.
Whether you intended to become pregnant or not, once you created a life, things were never the same. Your pregnancy may have lasted one day or many months, but your loss is an important event in your life. You need to let yourself grieve and practice self-care. It is important that you work to heal your body and your mind.
2. Stop Blaming Yourself.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and you are not to blame for the passing of your baby. The guilt can be overwhelming but remember that you are not responsible for the fact that you are suffering a miscarriage.
3. Realize That Time is Relative.
You may feel better in a few days, or it may take a year or more. No one gets to dictate how long it takes you to heal, except you.
4. Recognize That No One Else Will Truly Understand What You Are Going Through.
Even if someone has suffered their own miscarriage in the past, we all deal with tragedies in our own ways. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Surround yourself with good people who care for you. This is not the time to deal with people who do not listen or support you in your grief.
5. Know That Some People Will Be Uncomfortable and May Even Say Hurtful Things to You.
You may hear things like “I wasn’t ready to be a grandpa yet”, “You can always have another one”, or “At least your baby is in a better place.”
Try your best not to allow these comments to hurt you any more than you are already hurting. People are simply uncomfortable and do know how to act properly. The only acceptable response to your loss is “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “How can I help you right now?”
6. Seek Whatever Help You Need.
Miscarriage is a very personal and lonely thing to go through. Whatever helps you, seek it out. Reading through online forums, talking to a therapist, reading a self-help book about healing after loss, or writing about your own experiences are all great ways to start the healing process. Figure out what makes you feel stronger each day and do that thing.
7. Do Something Good in the World to Help You Find Your Joy Again.
Sometimes the best way to work through our grief own grief and find happiness again is to help others. It takes your mind off of your pain for a least a little while and it gives you a sense of purpose again.
It’s been more than ten years since I suffered a miscarriage and most days I do not think about it anymore. And then a commercial will come on or I’ll see a cute baby video on Youtube and the gravity of my loss all comes flooding back to me. I find myself crying just as hard as if it happened yesterday. Time is a funny thing.
Tragedies suck, but the best way I have found to thrive after them is to go out and do something good in the world to replace my grief with joy. Every February 21st for ten years (on the anniversary of my miscarriage), I donate money to a charity I hold dear to my heart, or I go out and spend the entire day focused on performing small acts of kindness. It is my way of acknowledging the life of my sweet baby and celebrating the time we did share together.
And I continue to talk about my feelings of loss with others. It’s important that you do the same because you can never just move on after suffering a miscarriage but you can certainly learn to move forward.
Losing a baby is tragic, and it completely changes your life forever. But with enough time and self-care, you will survive and start to feel joy returning to your life again.
Love What You’re Seeing So Far?
- Enjoy community support
- Never miss a life-changing post again
- Get immediate access to the free resources library
- Be the first to know about giveaways
What helped you heal after a miscarriage? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
I am so sorry you went through this. I haven’t experienced this before, but this was such a helpful and informative post to read. I cannot imagine how you must feel, but I am so glad you are opening up and sharing about it. Many women I am sure can really relate to this. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I just hope I can help others with my experiences. Thanks for reading.
Having a miscarriage is really a bad feeling, thank you so much for sharing this, this will help lots of people out there.
It’s a difficult life experience far too many women go through. Thanks for commenting.
Your words ring true for me! My baby would have turned 18 this month. I still wonder if it was a boy or a girl. Even though I have been blessed with two children, my heart never forgets I had three. It is a lonely experience. I applaud you for writing about it. Thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you said about still wondering if you were having a boy or girl because I do the exact same thing. You are absolutely right; it is a very lonely experience and I can only hope my story helps others. Thank you so much for your comment.