Do you know what really hurts? Cheating.
It’s one of the hardest things to experience in a romantic relationship and sadly, most of us will have to deal with it at some point in our lives.
According to the Institute for Family Studies, an average of 20% of men and 13% of women admit to cheating on a spouse. And the likelihood you’ll end up cheating goes up if you’re male, over 65 years old, black, and a Democrat.
Studies are interesting, aren’t they?
This certainly wouldn’t have been my guess. I always thought cheating was a younger person’s game.
To be honest, we all know women cheat too. And people of every ethnic group. And even Republicans.
Plus, studies tend to focus on married couples and not people who are dating. So the chances you’ll experience infidelity during your lifetime are probably significantly higher.
According to Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, 60% of single men and 53% of single women have started relationships after luring their new partners away from someone else.
And the crazy part is that over the last few decades, the percentage of people who say cheating is wrong has actually increased to 81%.
So why do so many people feel that cheating in a relationship is wrong?
Why do people cheat in the first place?
Why does it hurt so badly when they do?
What are the signs that your partner is being unfaithful to you?
And more importantly, how can you overcome infidelity if it does happen to you?
Why Cheating in a Relationship is Wrong
There are so many reasons why cheating in a relationship is wrong:
- You put your needs, wants, and desires above your partner’s
- You betray your commitment to your partner
- You lie to cover up the cheating
- You expose your partner to sexually transmitted infections
- You break the intimate bond you and your partner share
- You destroy the trust you and your partner share
- You cause an incredible amount of pain for your partner
- You make your partner question his or her worth
- You make your partner question his or her desirability
- You make your partner fearful that others will also cheat on him or her in the future
- You potentially break up your entire family
- If you have combined finances, you put both of your financial lives at risk
The reason cheating in a relationship is wrong is because your actions can have so many unintended consequences that ultimately hurt your partner irreparably.
And yet, there are still some people who think that cheating is not a big deal. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Why People Cheat
So why do people cheat anyway? Here are 15 common reasons people cheat on their partners:
1. Selfishness
Some people cheat because they want to at that moment, and they simply don’t care about how their actions will affect other people.
2. Entitlement
Some people even think that they’re so great, good-looking, or wealthy that they have the right to cheat on their significant other.
3. Commitment Issues
Some people struggle with commitment so they cheat instead of just avoiding committed relationships in the first place or ending relationships beforehand.
4. Desire
Some people let desire control their actions instead of letting logic guide them.
5. Boredom
Some people get bored in their relationship and put their energy into a new partner instead of spicing things up with their current partner.
6. Excitement
Some people chase after the exciting phase of a new relationship instead of appreciating the intimacy that can only grow over time with a partner you love and trust.
7. Opportunity Presents Itself
Some people cheat simply because an opportunity presents itself. They may be traveling, out with friends, or drinking heavily and another person is coming on to them.
8. Unmet Needs
Some people are unfaithful because they have desires that aren’t currently being met, and they place more importance on those desires than on the bond they share with their partner.
9. Feeling Neglected
Some people cheat due to feeling neglected by their current partner both physically and emotionally.
10. Low Self-Esteem
Some people stray because they have low self-esteem and are flattered when someone new pays attention to them.
11. Loneliness
Some people cheat to fill a void in themselves. They act out of loneliness and the need for connection rather than seeking physical gratification.
12. Anger
Some people have an affair out of anger. They seek to hurt their partner with their infidelity intentionally.
13. Revenge
Some people are unfaithful as a result of being cheated on themselves. They cheat out of revenge.
14. Unhappy in the Relationship
Some people are unhappy in their relationships so they cheat instead of working to fix whatever it is that’s broken.
15. Want Relationship to End
Some people have an affair because they want their current relationship to end, and they just don’t put in the effort to end it before moving on with someone new.
No matter the reason, many people who cheat will eventually get caught or suffer so much guilt they’ll end up confessing the infidelity to their partners.
This will lead to a lot of hurt and resentment and can have many unintended consequences such as breakups, divorces, hurting your children, revenge cheating, public humiliation, and even violence.
Why Cheating Hurts So Much
Infidelity hurts so much because it can really leave you feeling:
- Betrayed
- Lied to
- Like you’ve wasted your time with you’re partner -and-
- Like you’re not good enough
There’s no way around it. Getting cheated on hurts, and it can affect you for a lifetime if you let it.
Signs of Infidelity
So how do you know if your partner is not being faithful? Here are 15 signs that infidelity may be happening in your relationship:
1. Change in Appearance
Adults typically don’t change their appearance drastically. So if your partner is suddenly dressing differently, buying sexy underwear, or suddenly wearing cologne every day when he or she never did before, this may be a cause for concern.
2. Change in Behavior
Adults don’t change their behaviors drastically either. So you may need to ask questions if your partner has been a homebody for years and now is suddenly closing down bars or if he or she used to hate technology and now is very active on social media at all hours of the day.
3. Change in Intimacy
Another sign of infidelity is a change in the level of intimacy the two of you share. This can either be an increase or decrease in the physical or emotional part of your relationship.
4. Change in Schedule
A huge red flag for cheating is a sudden schedule change. If your partner used to come home right after work but is now working late, going out with co-workers, or traveling a lot for work, it may be a sign that he or she is straying.
5. Change in Spending Habits
Cheating partners often leave a trail of receipts from dates, hotel rooms, or gifts. So a change in spending habits or missing cash could indicate an affair.
6. Change in Electronic Activities
A major sign of cheating is a change in electronic activities. Pay attention if your partner changes passwords, has the same number texting or calling frequently, doesn’t want you seeing social media accounts, is online at odd hours, or if call logs and text messages are getting deleted.
7. Change in Friends
Adults typically don’t make big changes to their group of friends either. So if your partner is suddenly going out with a lot of new, single friends, he or she may be out looking for a hookup.
8. Being Secretive
Being best friends with your partner one minute and then finding out he or she is keeping secrets from you the next can be a big indicator of unfaithfulness.
9. Being Evasive
Simple questions have simple answers. If your partner starts to be evasive every time you ask a direct question and you never seem to get a straight answer, this could be a sign of infidelity.
10. Being Argumentative
Does it seem like your partner is picking fights constantly lately? This could very well be a sign of cheating.
11. Being Overly Jealous
One of the biggest red flags that your partner is straying is that he or she is overly jealous or even accusing you of cheating for no reason.
12. Unexplained Whereabouts
Adults in committed relationships know where their partners are most of the time. If your partner’s unexplained whereabouts are causing friction in your relationship, he or she is very likely somewhere that you would disapprove of.
13. Friends and Family Treating You Differently
Oftentimes, the person being cheated on is the last to know. So if you feel like friends and family members are treating you differently than usual, they may know that your partner is being unfaithful and either don’t know how to tell you or they simply don’t want to get involved.
14. Your Items Are Missing
Some cheaters are so bold that they steal from their own partners and gift these items to their new mates or even have them over to the house you share as a couple. So if you notice your personal care products getting lower or your favorite jewelry missing, your partner may be in another relationship.
15. Gut Feeling
If your gut feeling is telling you that something’s off, it probably is. Always trust your gut.
Each of these 15 signs could have a perfectly reasonable explanation and hopefully, they do. But you owe it to yourself to keep your eyes open and recognize the signs of cheating in case it’s happening in your committed relationship.
Remember, inappropriate actions don’t have to be physical to be considered cheating.
A good rule of thumb is to behave like your partner is watching you at that moment. If he or she would be upset seeing the text you are sending to someone else or knowing that you are meeting up alone with someone, you need to realize that you may be dangerously close to having an emotional affair.
How to Overcome Infidelity
If infidelity happens in your relationship, it will certainly hurt but you should never let it break you.
The first thing you should do is to realize that this had nothing to do with you. It’s your partner who made an error in judgment and has problems to work through.
Remember, nothing you did or didn’t do caused this. It’s not your fault. It’s your partner’s fault alone.
An important step forward is to allow yourself to experience the feelings you have as a result of this infidelity.
It’s not healthy to ignore your feelings and bottle them up. If you feel angry, it’s okay. If you want to cry your eyes out, that’s okay too. People are supposed to have emotions, and you will feel much better in the long run if you let them run their course.
You should also ask questions and get answers if you want to.
Some people never want to speak to their partners again after a betrayal, but others need to know every detail no matter how much it hurts. There’s no right or wrong way to handle this. Follow your heart so that you can process what happened and eventually move forward.
Next, you need to put yourself and your needs first again.
Practice self-care daily. You’ll likely be completely stressed out after finding out your partner has strayed so making sure to eat healthy, stay hydrated, and get enough sleep will help you start to feel better. And now is the perfect time to treat yourself to a massage or a weekend away with close friends to get your mind off of things for a bit.
One of the biggest steps in moving forward after being betrayed is to make the decision about whether to stay in the relationship or to walk away.
The only two people who get a say in this are you and your partner. It doesn’t matter what other people tell you that you should do, what matters is that you follow your heart on this one.
The relationship might be worth saving, so working with your partner to build back the lost trust is up to the two of you.
Or you might decide that you’ll be much happier on your own and hope to find love again with a new partner someday.
Either option is acceptable because this is your life and you get to decide how to live it. Just remember that anyone can make a mistake once. But if this has happened before, your partner has shown you exactly who they are as a person. Believe them this time.
No matter what you choose to do, you should work on forgiveness. It may be the last thing you ever want to do at the time, but holding onto anger, resentment, and sorrow only hurts you.
Forgiving someone who has wronged you isn’t for them, it’s for you. It allows you to let go of the pain and focus on the present so it’s an important gift to give to yourself when you’re ready.
And while you’re working on forgiveness, make sure to also let go of any regret that you may be holding onto.
Just because your partner proved to be unfaithful doesn’t mean that all of your time together was a waste. You experienced love and happiness long before you experienced heartbreak, and you learned a lot about yourself along the way.
Now is also the time to accept help from the people closest to you. If you need a friend to cry to, to get drunk with, or even to play video games with all night so you can focus on something else for once, let people who love you help you out with that.
And if you find yourself really struggling after infidelity, talk to a professional.
We all need help from time to time, and you should never be ashamed to work with someone who is professionally equipped to offer that help to you. You should be proud of yourself for reaching out and making sure that all of your needs are being taken care of.
Lastly, being cheated on once does not mean that you’ll ever experience infidelity again.
Letting go of this pain now will help you move forward in a new relationship someday. But holding onto this pain will guarantee that all of your future relationships will be doomed before they even begin. So don’t let this one bad experience ruin all new romantic experiences for you in the future.
You deserve the absolute best in life. There’s nothing wrong with being single, so never settle for a partner who doesn’t give you the love, attention, and fidelity that you deserve.
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What’s your opinion on cheating? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
This was really interesting to read. Its always best to trust your gut, because nearly all of the time its right. You’ve mentioned some great tips to overcome and move forward after being cheated on. Its a topic that is so rarely talked about yet I’d imagine quite a few people have been through it.
Thank you for your kind words. I think this topic should be talked about more for the reasons you mentioned. It does happen a lot but you can move forward and have a good life afterward.
What an interesting post. I have thankfully never had to experience this before, but I would be completely heartbroken if I had to. I don’t think I could forgive if this happened to me. Such a sad situation so many couples unfortunately have to go through nowadays!
So true. It is sad and heartbreaking when a partner is unfaithful.
Such an interesting post, really gets you thinking. There are a lot of signs that I would never have thought of myself, so thanks for sharing. And I love the positivity in your writing when it comes to overcoming such a betrayal!
Thank you so much. Cheating can be devastating but life will always get better. I try to stay positive no matter what life throws at me.
Such an interesting post, Brooke. But I’m not sure I could ever bring myself to forgive my partner if they cheated on me. As you say, it would be proof that they put their wants and needs above our bond. I’d never be able to trust them again.
I am right there with you. It’s such a violation of trust.
I can attest to the low self-esteem motive, I just avoid being in a relationship for about a decade because this was an issue for me. The only time I ever felt happy and not suicidal was when I was with someone new. My whole existence was based on external validation. When that changed, I completely lost interest in sex
I am so glad you are no longer so concerned with external validation. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. And I hope that you continue to realize your worth and gain confidence in yourself.