Powerful Ways to Deal With Sibling Rivalry in Your Home

Young girl looking at chickens for sibling rivalry examples

Do you ever feel like your children are sucking the life out of you? Like every last ounce of energy you had was spent two seconds ago and now they’re vying for your attention yet again.

You just want to get out the door to work on time, get dinner on the table before you pass out from low blood sugar, or get them to stay in bed already so you can finally have five minutes to yourself.

But your kids are arguing once again, and they just won’t stop!

You think back to the time before they were born and how you thought having more than one kid was actually a good idea. You know, so they’d always have someone to lean on, so they’d have a built-in friend, or so they’d entertain themselves once in a while.

And now you realize just how naive you were back then because they sure don’t seem like friends now. In fact, they put new meaning into the term mortal enemies, and you wonder where it was that you went wrong.

But don’t worry. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Every parent with more than one child deals with sibling rivalry. It’s like an exclusive club so many of us belong to even though we really wish we could just revoke our memberships already.

What is Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is the fighting and arguing that takes place between siblings that is often fueled by feelings of intense competition and jealousy. While common, sibling rivalry does have negative effects on everyone in the family.

So it’s totally normal to feel exhausted and hopeless when your children continue to bicker time and time again.

Plus, it can present itself in different ways depending on the situation. For example, sibling rivalry can include:

Arguing
Physical aggression
Crying
Name-calling
Putting each other down
Taking a belonging
Teasing
Tattling
Vying for attention
Being jealous

And while it’s impossible to stop all sibling rivalry from taking place in your family, there are steps that you can take as a parent to minimize sibling rivalry in your home.

You know, so you can have some peace once in a while.

Sibling Rivalry Examples

The first step towards dealing with sibling rivalry is to recognize it when it happens.

So here are 10 sibling rivalry examples to keep an eye out for:

Your kids start arguing over who wanted to play with a certain toy first.
Your oldest child accidentally shoved the youngest child hard enough to knock them down.
One child intentionally starts crying to persuade their parents that their sibling is being mean to them.
In anger, one of your teens calls your other teen a selfish jerk.
A larger brother comments about how small the other brother is as a put down.
A younger sister takes the older sister’s clothes without asking and then lies about it.
One of your kids is mocking another one about something that embarasses them.
One of your kids runs to tell you that another one snuck a piece of candy.
Both of your children talk over each other in order to be the first to tell you how their day at school went.
Your younger child is jealous that your teen gets to go to the movies alone.

And sibling rivalry doesn’t just magically end once your youngest child reaches adulthood. Siblings can still feel jealous and envious of one another long into adulthood and it can continue to alter the entire family dynamic.

Causes of Sibling Rivalry

There are lots of reasons why siblings fight, and they’re often based on the developmental stages your children are currently in.

Young children, for example, can develop sibling rivalry as soon as they realize that their mother is pregnant again. So while young kids may be excited and loving towards the baby in mommy’s tummy at times, they can also feel jealous of the attention this child is getting before they’re even born. And of course, that jealously may continue to grow once the child has officially entered the family.

Other causes of sibling rivalry in younger children are the lack of social skills and the concept of fairness. School-aged children are still developing those important social skills of sharing and being patient. Plus, they’re very aware of what’s happening with others around them, and they expect literally everything to be equal and fair. So when the toys they want are already being played with or their sibling gets slightly more cake than they do, sibling rivalry is sure to rear its ugly head.

And for teens, sibling rivalry often boils down to independence and competition. For example, teens may feel resentful towards younger siblings that they have to pick up from school or they may compete against siblings closer to their age when it comes to grades, sports, liking the same person, having nicer clothes, or wanting a better car.

Whatever the case may be, different things set different kids off, so it’s important to recognize the triggers in each of your children so you can help them work towards building the skills they need to handle uncomfortable situations.

Effects of Sibling Rivalry

Studies show that there are many long-lasting effects of sibling rivalry that goes unchecked including:

Depression
Anxiety
Poor self-esteem
Bad behaviors
Hostility with other family members
Issues in school
Immaturity
Self-harm

In fact, in many ways, the relationship your children have with one another has a far greater impact on who they become than the relationship they have with you.

How to Deal With Sibling Rivalry

Fortunately, there are steps you can take to prevent some conflicts before they happen and to help your children handle conflicts that do arise.

The best way to deal with sibling rivalry is to build deep relationships with each of your children independently, instilling in them that they’re all valued members of your family unit, and to teach them social skills and coping strategies that they can use confidently on their own.

Dealing with sibling rivalry doesn’t have to be a constant headache in your household.

When you think of each blowup as a learning opportunity, you can use it as a way to build strong family relationships that will last a lifetime.

Here are 13 tips to get you started on your journey to dealing with sibling rivalry:

Stay calm.
Stop whatever you’re doing and focus on the situation at hand.
Speak calmly and ask the kids to go to separate locations.
Talk to each child individually to hear their side of the story.
Be sympathetic and allow them to vent their frustrations in a safe environment.
Repeat back to them what you’re hearing and ask if you understand what has happened.
Help them calm down so they’re prepared to find a solution.
Once you have spoken to all the children involved and they are all calm, bring them back together.
Address each child and let them know what the other child is feeling.
Work as a group to come up with a solution that works for everyone.
Discuss a better way to handle this type of conflict next time.
Remind them that they’re siblings and that their relationship is important.
Ask them if they want to show affection to one another such as giving a hug or a high five.

Remember, if you have more than one child in your home, sibling rivalry is going to be something you have to deal with—and probably often. But it doesn’t have to result in kids crying and you stomping away angry.

Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up with brothers and sisters and it won’t go away on its own. But when you stay calm and choose to be a safe, helpful adult they can turn to, your children are far more likely to end up as friends just like you always wanted them to.

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